July 7, 2019. “The tumor is the size of a small plum, Ms. Venkatraman and exerting significant pressure on the cord. It’s a miracle that you are still ambulating. You are at a risk of getting paralyzed . We recommend surgery ASAP. But you should be aware that the surgery comes with significant risks and you might be left with residual symptoms. You are drowning. We can save you but cannot guarantee that your shoes will not get wet in the process”. I remember the doctor having spoken a minute of two after these words but I was too numb to grasp anything he spoke. My mind was racing at 100000 miles / second . Will I ever be able to see my 6 year old I had left behind in a different country? Even if I do survive this surgery, will I ever be able to be the mother I have been? The one who danced with him, played with him and read to him each night? Will I ever be able to get back to the life that I had carefully woven? Will be ever be OK again? I looked at my mom. I can never forget the helplessness and dismay I saw in her eyes.
I precisely remember the day my body started indicating that something was off. But I was too busy being happy, decorating my new home, enjoying my son and loving my new job that I chose to ignore my symptoms. My body will repair itself as it always has, I thought. It wasn’t much later that I realized I need to start taking my symptoms seriously. I listened to my body but the doctors chose to turn a blind eye. I remember being at the neurologist’s clinic every week in tears pleading for help. My symptoms were attributed to stress and anxiety. I was tossed around between neurologists, psychiatrists and psychologists. When I hit rock bottom , I realized I had to go to India to figure this out. A simple MRI was all that was needed to crack the case. If it would have been done sooner, it could have saved me from some irreversible damage.
I survived the surgery but was left with residual symptoms ( as the doctor rightly predicted). What followed were days and days of anguish and self pity. I could not imagine that this was happening to me. My GP in the US referred me to Dr. C for a post surgical follow-up. I broke down narrating the past 6 months of my life to him. The words that he said after listening to my story will remain with me for a lifetime.
1. You may ask “ Why me? I don’t have an answer. No one will. You are the Chosen One. This is your destiny.
2. We are in this together. I am going to fight with you, for you each step of the way
3. Treat this as the most important project of your life
4. Don’t feel sorry for yourself. It’s useless.
Today, every morning I get up , my only is aim to survive that day - be the mom that my son deserves, be the manager that I’ve always wanted to be . I want to create memories for my son - each day, every day. I hope to get better someday but also realize that things can take a bad turn. What I have is today, is this very moment and nothing else. It’s amazing how life brings in a new perspective when you have nothing to lose. As my man SRK once said, “ Kya pata kal ho na ho”.. as cliche as it sounded then, I realized the depth of it today.
