The Chosen One

July 7, 2019. “The tumor is the size of a small plum, Ms. Venkatraman and exerting significant pressure on the cord. It’s a miracle that you are still ambulating. You are at a risk of getting paralyzed . We recommend surgery ASAP. But you should be aware  that the surgery comes with significant risks and you might be left with residual symptoms. You are drowning. We can save you but cannot guarantee that your shoes will not get wet in the process”. I remember the doctor having spoken a minute of two after these words but I was too numb to grasp anything he spoke. My mind was racing at 100000 miles / second . Will I ever be able to see my 6 year old I had left behind in a different country? Even if I do survive this surgery,  will I ever be able to be the mother I have been? The one who danced with him, played with him and read to him each night?  Will I ever be able to get back to the life that I had carefully woven? Will be ever be OK again? I looked at my mom. I can never forget the helplessness and dismay I saw in her eyes. 

I precisely remember the day my body started indicating that something was off. But I was too busy being happy, decorating my new home, enjoying my son and loving my new job that I chose to ignore my symptoms. My body will repair itself as it always has, I thought.  It wasn’t much later that I realized I need to start taking my symptoms seriously.  I listened to my body but the doctors chose to turn a blind eye. I remember being at the neurologist’s clinic every week in tears pleading for help. My symptoms were attributed to stress and anxiety. I was tossed around between neurologists, psychiatrists and psychologists. When I hit rock bottom  , I realized I had to go to India to figure this out. A simple MRI was all that was needed to crack the case. If it would have been done sooner, it could have saved me from some irreversible damage.

I survived the surgery but was left with residual symptoms ( as the doctor rightly predicted). What followed were days and days of anguish and self pity. I could not imagine that this was happening to me. My GP in the US referred me to Dr. C for a post surgical follow-up. I broke down narrating the past 6 months of my life to him. The words that he said after listening to my story will remain with me for a lifetime.

1. You may ask “ Why me? I don’t have an answer. No one will. You are the Chosen One. This is your destiny.

2. We are in this together. I am going to fight with you, for you each step of the way

3. Treat this as the most important project of your life

4. Don’t feel sorry for yourself. It’s useless.

 Today, every morning I get up , my only is aim to survive that day - be the mom that my son deserves, be the manager that I’ve always wanted to be . I want to create memories for my son - each  day, every day. I hope to get better someday but also realize that things can take a bad turn. What I have is today, is this very moment and nothing else. It’s amazing how life brings in a new perspective when you have nothing to lose. As my man SRK once said, “ Kya pata kal ho na ho”.. as cliche  as it sounded then, I realized the depth of it today.

Letter to my one year old son

                                                                                                 Date:  15 Feb, 2015

My baby boy,

In a few weeks you will achieve a big milestone of your life. You will turn one! Time literally just flew by. From a helpless newborn to a very naughty toddler, you have grown leaps and bounds.

March 1^st, 11:39am. Moments after I was taken in for my c section, dad and I heard your first cry. You were so little with so much hair! You gave us a new definition.  We were Swati and Sharath few moments ago, we were mom and dad now; mom and dad to a little bundle of joy, Shahshwat. From a couple we became a family. A family that constituted you, me and dad. You completed us in every possible way.

The past one year has been a roller coaster for both of us, to say the least.   You tried hard to fit into a new world and I tried hard to fit into a new role. Every day was a new day for both of us. We celebrated our small successes, wept over our failures and in the process gained a ton of life experience. I still remember the first time I was successfully able to breastfeed you. I felt like a winner! Do you remember the umpteen times you tried to crawl? You mastered the skill after 4 months of persistent efforts. What a celebration it was!

The past year was also a year of learning and teaching. You aced many motor skills but still have a long way to go with your language skills. You say ‘amma’ and associate the word with hunger and pain, not necessarily me. It’s funny how you say ‘amma’ and run into your dad’s arms at times. You taught me patience, you taught me resilience and you taught me multi-tasking and time management. I loved learning all my new skills and am glad to tell you that am getting pretty darn good at them J

The past year was also filled with umpteen challenges. From the day your paternal grandparents left to this day, you have fallen sick every other week. With sickness came food rejection, sleepless nights (for you and me) and extreme crankiness.  I will not lie. There have been moments when I thought I’ve reached the breaking point, that I cannot handle this ‘motherhood’ thing anymore.  We bounced back each time, you and me, thanks to your awesome dad. I remember this one incident when you were very ill and dad and I took turns to stay up with you entire night. I had an important presentation the next day with the CTO of the company. I woke up at 7, saw your sullen face and was not sure if I would be able to leave you and get going. Your dad decided to skip work and stay with you. He hugged me and said’ Do what you need to. I will stay back.’ I put on  my makeup and rocked the presentation with a game face. When I came back I felt blessed to see you all snuggled and happy with daddy.

 Finally, it was a year of bonding. A bond like no other.

A bond for a lifetime. You opened a part of me which I never knew existed. A part of me that is just open to you, my child.   It was my choice to have a career after having you. Financial independence has always been a very important aspect of my life. I hope you do not detest me for missing moments from your most formative years. I hope you grow up and be proud of this working mom.

 After a year of being with you, I can’t imagine my life without you.  I am still coping with the pace at which you are growing!  So long ….till Feb 15, 2016. Love you.


Yours always,
Amma

Nayi Zindagi

एक नए ज़िन्दगी के चाहत में न जाने क्या क्या छोड़ आये
अपना देश, अपना घर, अपने लोग  छोड़ आये।

इस ज़िन्दगी  के ढेर तरक्की  पर हम ख़ुशी से झूम न पाए
 जिनसे ख़ुशी बाँटते थे उन्हें हम  पीछे छोड़ आये।

इस ज़िन्दगी के हर ग़म  में खुद को अकेले रोते पाए
 जिनसे दुःख बाँटते थे उन्हें हम पीछे छोड़ आये।

इस ज़िन्दगी की  हर दिवाली, हर  ईद, हर त्यौहार सूनी लगती है
  जिनसे त्यौहार बनते थे उन्हें हम पीछे छोड़ आये।

इस ज़िन्दगी का हर दिन, हर शाम अधूरा लगता है
क्योंकि ज़िन्दगी देने वालों को ही  हम पीछे छोड़ आये।

                                                                                       (c) Swati Venkatraman

I wish I was the still the one

I wish I was still the one.

The one who danced with you in ecstasy.

The one who held your hand in doubt.

The one who hugged you in pain.

The one whose smile made your day.

The one who knew your deepest nightmares and darkest fears.

The one you cherished, laughed with, believed in, lived for.

I wish I was still the one you loved!

                                                                                                   -(c) Swati Venkatraman

                                             

A new world

Close your eyes dear mom, take a deep breath
Bustling all day, you probably need some rest.

Let's travel to a new world- just you and me
Furl me around and walk with me I plea.

A world where you do not toil for a living
And spend each day with me just laughing and singing.

A world filled with books and rhymes
Chirp of birds and sweet sound of wind chimes.

A world where you sing lullabies each night
Soothing me to sleep, holding me tight.

A world where I get all your time.
A world where you are just mine.

Dil Ki Baat

एक  ज़माना था जब यह  दिल धड़कता था,
एक जमाना था जब यह दिल प्यार भी किया करता था ।
अब तोह वोह  टूटना सीख गया है ,
आॅसू सुखाना सीख गया है ।
दिल अब बस ख़ामोशी चाहता है,
चन पल की तन्हाई चाहता है।
                                                                                           -(c) Swati Venkatraman

A Tale of Love

Clandestine mornings. Passionate nights
Teary conversations. Desperate times
Tales of love. Epics of Deceit
A walk by the lake reliving memories.

Together they dreamt of the future unseen
A chalet by the river, patter of tiny feet
A lifetime they lived in those eight months
Ruthless.Carefree. Unabashed.

An end was inevitable they knew
To this journey that was too good to be true.
To the brutal worldly odds their love did succumb
A lonely abandoned life in the times to come.

A day will dawn they oathed
Their love will reunite and soar.
Carved in the future so long
An end together is all that they longed.
                                                        - (c) Swati Venkatraman